“New Normality”

It’s difficult, this time that I’m in. So a bit about myself, I speak French and Spanish and I have recently managed to somehow complete my degree in both languages. A very proud moment of my life, yet during a global pandemic there are many downsides. I spent 5 years of my life leading up to this moment, a time of celebrations and fancy grad ball dresses and photos being taken to celebrate one of the proudest moments in my life. Yet I am faced with nothing, no grad ball, no celebration, no photos being taken to celebrate one of the proudest moments in my life.

I managed to get myself a job in France working as an English Language Assistant in a primary school. It was all planned out; degree, summer and then move to France. Sadly with my asthma and the ever-growing number of new coronavirus cases that France has, I had to withdraw from the job and stay in Scotland for the time being. I wouldn’t have minded that too much, or not at all to be honest, there are people dying, me not being able to move to France for a year is nothing. That being said, what’s most difficult is that everyone else in my life is getting back to this “normality” while I’m stuck in a job that I hate with no friends near by and no hope for a near end to this crap.

All of this isn’t to say that I’m not happy for everyone to be getting back to their form of a new normality, but it makes it so much more difficult for me when I see everyone getting what they want, moving abroad, finding new relationships while I’m stuck with the routine of waking up, doing house chores, eating and then going back to sleep. The hardest part of all is that I can’t tell anyone about how I’m feeling. I have friends and I have family, but I don’t have anyone who truely understands what I’m going through. Lock down was so difficult for many, but for me it was a great time filled with constant messages from friends and a full house every day. Now all my friends have moved back to their lives of adventure and romance while I’m stuck in the same boring routine.

What would be the point in telling anyone how I am feeling, all it would do is either make me look like I’m jealous or not supportive of the people that I love and their lives, or it would make them feel guilty for being happy and that’s not a feeling anyone should ever feel. I recently confided in one of my closest friends and they replied saying that my situation “could be worse” and that hit me like a brick. It made me feel like the way I am feeling isn’t justifiable and that I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. People just don’t understand how shit this is for me right now. I know that some point in the future I will be able to get back to my new normality, and from now to then I just have to ride it out, things can only go uphill, but it isn’t easy.

Anyway, that is my blog for tonight. I may not be able to tell my family and friends how I’m really feeling, but at least I can write down my feelings in a blog and send it out in the world for the odd person to glance over.

Stay safe xoxo